Monday, January 14, 2008

Because I think he's funny...

[I did not write this. My cousin, Seth wrote this as a note on Facebook and every once in a while I just feel the need to share his notes with the world.]



One of the tops stories of 2007 and on into year 2008 has been the enduring writer’s strike that has our favorite television shows on hold and studios by the throat as well as the testes. This is why you don't masturbate with a noose around your neck, it's dangerous.

Network studios make millions off of re-runs from television shows, DVDs, and internet webcasts of TV shows and movies, and the writers get basically next to nothing for their work in the grand scheme of things, something along the lines of 2.5%. That’s like going to work and getting paid in wampum and a half eaten subway sandwich. Writers took a pay cut to help a struggling home video market back in the 80s under the condition that they get that money back when the market settles and is on it’s feet. It’s a lot like selling a car and getting paid with an IOU. Last time I checked real life isn’t like monopoly, it’s more like Jenga, you make the wrong move and it all comes tumbling down for you.

TV and movie writers don’t get the royalties like that of book authors or songwriters, and they aren’t always working. If writer’s in fact write all the time, they would become disconnected from reality and lose touch with what interests’ people. When this happens, you get crap like the movie The Brothers’ Grimm, which I have written about previously as two hours of my life I wish I could get back, but illicit drug use could have also contributed to this.

For some, the strike is ruining lives. For some, it’s just entertainment, for others it is their livelihood and a means to support a family. People across the nation are being forced into watching reality TV, re-runs, and god forbid reading a book. If reading books becomes a trend, I can’t say that I like where this society is headed – kidding.

While a few less dumbasses, and a little less illiteracy would be nice, this whole situation is like the plague affecting anything and everything that appears on the TV screen, and if boredom were a stock, it would make Microsoft look like that of Enron. It’s basically like all of our favorite shows are getting hott carl’ed right in front of our eyes and there’s nothing that we can do but sit back and watch. Trust me, that might even be worse than watching a beheading or Michael Jackson tucking your child in at night with a roofied up glass of 2% milk and ecstasy filled chocolate chip cookie- disgusting much? It’s as assenting as the sun also rises.

The main fear of fans of various television shows whether it be Grey’s Anatomy, Smallville, or even Desperate Housewives that no matter their successes, they may never come on again with a new episode and thus leaving us without closure and wondering what the hell about characters such as McDreamy (Grey’s) and Bizarro (Smallville). I mean, come on, it’s not like they bought a horse and moved to the mountains never to be heard from again. Let’s hope that’s not written: key word there.

The words that you hear coming from the mouth of these characters, was written not by Patrick Dempsey, but a writer or a whole damn posse of them. The same goes for when and if he walks across a room trips and falls on a scalpel and from there on you have the repercussions of this incident, whether or not he meets a hot nurse giving him stitches or has an extremity amputated due to a gangrenous infection, okay that’s a bit too optimistic. The fact remains, the ideas, the imagination, came from the head of a writer and on to the page or laptop screen before them and then is performed by your favorite actors on the particular shows you watch. It’s not like these actors just go to work, shoot from the hip and wing it. Contrary to what you may believe, Dennis Quaid doesn’t wake up in the morning, piss excellence, have his morning coffee, decide he wants to do a western and be filming by noon. The only exception to this would be Chuck Norris, who wakes up goes to a studio, kicks everyone’s ass in sight and people film it. Dialogue gets added in later. For him, there is no script, there are no words, there’s only the foot to ass action he delivers with the occasional, yet exceptional one liner.

We are about to cross the threshold into an era of television that is filled with things we’ve already seen and reality shows. E! will have to remove the exclamation mark because there is nothing exciting outside of Britney Spears going nuts and setting herself ablaze and Entertainment tonight will change their name to Boredom Tomorrow or Tedious Today.

Shows such as Rock of Love and Talk Sex with Sue Johannson will rule the airways, and I hope there’s never a day that I want to hear about the intricacies of anal fornication or anything to do with Bret Michaels, because no one has cared who and what he does since 1987. Another shot of love with Tila Tequila will be much more than I can handle no matter the amount of salt and lime, The Real World will have to become far from it, my personal favorite – The Pick Up artist will begin anew with emphasis on picking up out of work actresses and the next season of The Hills will propel Lauren Conrad into legend with all of her good looks and excessive drama that sucks us in like a golf ball through a hose and a nearby Paris Hilton. Twenty years later, we will wonder just what in the hell her importance as well her relevance in society was and it will be debated much like the existence of God versus the big bang theory.

If the aforementioned doesn’t lead you to a state of excite or fright, chances are you find your own life more interesting than that of others. If this strike is ruining your life, the networks would likely encourage you to get one. Remember, there is in fact a world beyond the room where your TV is located and if you thought that it is pathetic how insects are drawn to light, most of us are no different. Things like this are why people have to get cut out of their house, well that and a food addiction or agoraphobia.

Don’t start chugging the Clorox just yet, things may turn out and we may once again be mesmerized by fictitious characters instead of ones from a skewed version of reality.

-Seth Lamar
January 13, 2008

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