(Yes, it is still an inspiration)
Who inspires you?
There are some people who just absolutely inspire me with their lives and their attitudes. There are people who I look at and I am just blown away by everything from awe and inspiration to embarrassment of myself for not being more like that. I so desperately want to be more. I want people to look at me and talk to me and be able to count on what I am going to say and how I am going to react - in all situations. I have been overwhelmed lately with feeling lost, trapped, lonely and unimportant. It has nothing to do with the people or things around me. It has everything to do with me. I have lost it, I have dropped the ball, I have lost my focus. I have gotten so caught up with anger, blame, guilt and regret that I have completely forgotten...forgotten everything.
This is not the person I want to be. And I don't think it is who Lewis wants to be either. As crazy as this sounds, I so badly want to risk. When we were on tour last summer, some specific situations with specific people were bad and if focus had been in sync and attitudes had been different, Lewis and I both believe that we would still be on tour. As crazy as life was and as unstable as it felt, I look back on those few months and the year or so leading up to it, and I want to feel that lost again. Because as lost as I felt, I was at home in a way I haven't been in a long time.
I think home is people. I think home is the family that you make for yourself. And I am not satisfied being "normal." I want to be extraordinary. And I'm not...in any way. I need to get back to at least trying to be that. But I can't do that alone and what is so awful is that I don't know who to turn to anymore to help me get back there. Everyone broke apart. Everything fell apart.
Where do we go from here? Where is up? Where is out? I can feel the exit, I just can't see it.
I firmly believe that one 608 service changed the course of the rest of my life.
Please don't hold me in the past - don't hold me TO the past - and please don't allow me to hold myself there. My mind is filled with regret and guilt that I haven't let go of yet and it holds me back from everything.
I want to go home.
I didn't get to post these on Sunday because of the no internet thing. These are my favorites this week.
One old one, one new one
I have mentioned before that we work in a building that has condominiums in the upper floors and we are on the first floor. Elite Pest Control comes to spray for bugs every few weeks. They enter all the units and spray. Well, this woman from upstairs, who has already complained about every resident around her as well as every other possible building maintenance issue you could think of, she comes downstairs and tells Lewis that the Pest Control lady came into her apartment and dropped a huge poop in her toilet and stopped it up and then tried to clean it up by putting a towel around the bottom of the toilet. She knows all this because she comes in and the towel is around the stopped up toilet.
Who knows if that is true, but secretly...I hope it is!
There are many different kinds of artists. Some of my friends are just such artists. I've always wondered why they seemed to struggle through so many things. This quote was on my google homepage today. Maybe it explains it.
I've found a place where you are free to be yourself, however beautiful or cowardly or devastating or inspiring that may be. I've found a place where everyone is accepted at face value, no apologies, no regrets. I've found a place where there is beauty in everyone, whether the world sees it or not.
I've found a place.
The world sees it as something different, but I know what it is. This is heaven on earth. This is a piece of what eternity will be like. And I get to experience it whenever I want.
Ask me where it is, but I won't tell you because you need to find your own.
Open your eyes.
I went to Blockbuster today for the first time in ages!! And I have a new list of movies that I have to watch!! I need to catch up!! Here's my list (definitely in no particular order):
I found a bunch of my old cards from people in high school. I used to have them taped to my mirror to remind myself of the people that care about me. I found one card in there that I had bought to give to someone else, but I have never given it to them. This is what it says: