Thursday, May 31, 2007


Who inspires you?

There are some people who just absolutely inspire me with their lives and their attitudes. There are people who I look at and I am just blown away by everything from awe and inspiration to embarrassment of myself for not being more like that. I so desperately want to be more. I want people to look at me and talk to me and be able to count on what I am going to say and how I am going to react - in all situations. I have been overwhelmed lately with feeling lost, trapped, lonely and unimportant. It has nothing to do with the people or things around me. It has everything to do with me. I have lost it, I have dropped the ball, I have lost my focus. I have gotten so caught up with anger, blame, guilt and regret that I have completely forgotten...forgotten everything.

This is not the person I want to be. And I don't think it is who Lewis wants to be either. As crazy as this sounds, I so badly want to risk. When we were on tour last summer, some specific situations with specific people were bad and if focus had been in sync and attitudes had been different, Lewis and I both believe that we would still be on tour. As crazy as life was and as unstable as it felt, I look back on those few months and the year or so leading up to it, and I want to feel that lost again. Because as lost as I felt, I was at home in a way I haven't been in a long time.
I think home is people. I think home is the family that you make for yourself. And I am not satisfied being "normal." I want to be extraordinary. And I'm any way. I need to get back to at least trying to be that. But I can't do that alone and what is so awful is that I don't know who to turn to anymore to help me get back there. Everyone broke apart. Everything fell apart.

Where do we go from here? Where is up? Where is out? I can feel the exit, I just can't see it.

Be kind.

I firmly believe that one 608 service changed the course of the rest of my life.

Please don't hold me in the past - don't hold me TO the past - and please don't allow me to hold myself there. My mind is filled with regret and guilt that I haven't let go of yet and it holds me back from everything.

I want to go home.


janine said...

okay i feel like a total doofus. text messaging really stinks and i don't think i was able to tell you what i meant... and i feel like i understand more than you think i do.
um... so let's talk because that's better. and i love you. and i really do know what you mean...

janine said...

gosh, i just looked at the date that posted. today is june! sheesh!

Susan Toups said...

I want to go home as well. It is not here, it is with Jesus. So you will never be satisfied here. I understand. You are passionate about life and people and things matter to you and I think that is amazing. Be fearless, this life lasts just a little bit, heaven is forever.
Don't regret, all things make us the beautiful people we are becoming.
Never complain, Never explain.
I love you,

janine said...

this susan toups. i love her. perfectly said.

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