[Disclaimer about this specific post]
This post is mainly for Brooke, Hannah, Ciaara, Ian, Josh, Jon, Adam, Max, Courtney, Chelsea, etc. If you aren't a personal friend of mine and have no idea what I'm talking about or what my life has looked like for the last year, this post and the one before this one don't really apply to you and you probably won't find it interesting, but you are more than welcome to read anyway. But if you are one of those people, please read it. If only to hear my heart and maybe that's it. I love you all.
My night tonight was strange.
There is a certain way I want to be, a certain way I want to be seen.
And I'm not there yet. But I know what direction I need to be facing to get there.
We sang a song tonight at 608 that kinda wrapped up my life over the past year. It wasn't the whole song, not even half of it, just one part.
God in my laughing... God in my weeping...
God in my hurting... God in my healing...
God in my hurting... God in my healing...
That's been my year. It began with laughter, some of the most amazing friends. A community of people who supported each other. And we fought a lot sometimes and butted heads on a lot of things. But when I think about it, I don't really fight with people I don't care about, with people who don't really know me. Because people who don't know you, their concerns are just silly because they don't know enough about you to even be able to interpret the way you act. But friends, real friends, friends like the ones I had, they knew me. They saw me at my lowest and they had every right to be mad usually when they were mad. The bad times were pretty bad, but the good times. Wow. Life was good for a little while. A group of people you could call when life fell apart. And maybe they didn't make it all better, but at least you weren't alone. Laughter.
It turned into weeping when Lewis and I were forced out of our lifestyle that we had for the past 4 years. People didn't understand, I don't even think we fully understood. But we knew that God needed us somewhere else and the things that happened to us and some people in our families immediately after proved that God needed us at home and not in the band. And we lost some friends. It wasn't our intention. It actually was not what we thought would happen. And we were shocked that it did, and we were humbled and we were heartbroken. And now we're realizing, so was everyone else. Not that we didn't realize it at the time, but in a different way than how we see it now. Weeping.
The last few months have been hurting. It's been growing pains in a way - trying to learn how to deal and how to grieve and how to forgive and how to be real with a group of people who knew you at your core, whether we realized it or not. It's not easy to be real with people. We all know that we have too much we could hide. It's not easy watching people who used to be your family pretty much, just go on without you. And it was our decisions that got us there. It didn't stop the hurting. How do you say to someone, "please call," "please ask," "please push past the wall I've put up." How do you do that? I couldn't find a way. So instead I left the wall there. And I moved on, broken. Hurting.
This weekend, we started healing. And it will be baby steps. And I know that. But it's a direction, it's a goal, it's seeing the future and knowing you want to be there, even if the future looks like the past. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it makes sense to me. They probably didn't even know it meant anything to me, but a couple of people came into 608 tonight actually with something to say to me, actually seemed excited to talk to me. And it was different, considering the last few months I've felt like I'm not enough for anybody. Like when they see me, they're talking to me out of courtesy, but they have walls too. And then these people tonight made a little crack in the wall we had put up and they sat next to us at 608. And I had to fight back just to keep from weeping. Healing.
This may be cheesy and stupid and dorky, but I'm putting it out there, possibly to be shot down. But I have wanted people who Lewis and I shut out, who we changed things for, to push down a wall that I put up, that they had nothing to do with. It wasn't their responsibility to push down that wall, but it was what I wanted anyway. And I've made mistakes, HUGE mistakes in my life, in my relationships. I lose my temper sometimes, I say the wrong thing, I push my way into business I don't belong in, I am not enough. But I know who I want to be and I would like the opportunity to become that person, despite my past and possibly the past I have had with some of you. I wasn't always the friend you needed and I'm truly sorry about it. And I would like some people beside me who meant so much in the past, who still mean so much now, even though things are different.
Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe it's too late.
But if it's not, I have an idea. Maybe an idea that will help all of us find some peace in the middle of a world that is fighting day in and day out for us to have everything but peace.
If you're interested, email me. Click here for email.
We'll talk. Maybe mend something that wasn't ever meant to be broken in the first place.
And p.s. my idea mainly has to do with the girls.
I remember what was so great about our "family" and I think it can still be salvaged.
Also, I deleted my myspace. But I'm starting a new Ingenue Perspective myspace, just because. If I add you, that's why.
It turned into weeping when Lewis and I were forced out of our lifestyle that we had for the past 4 years. People didn't understand, I don't even think we fully understood. But we knew that God needed us somewhere else and the things that happened to us and some people in our families immediately after proved that God needed us at home and not in the band. And we lost some friends. It wasn't our intention. It actually was not what we thought would happen. And we were shocked that it did, and we were humbled and we were heartbroken. And now we're realizing, so was everyone else. Not that we didn't realize it at the time, but in a different way than how we see it now. Weeping.
The last few months have been hurting. It's been growing pains in a way - trying to learn how to deal and how to grieve and how to forgive and how to be real with a group of people who knew you at your core, whether we realized it or not. It's not easy to be real with people. We all know that we have too much we could hide. It's not easy watching people who used to be your family pretty much, just go on without you. And it was our decisions that got us there. It didn't stop the hurting. How do you say to someone, "please call," "please ask," "please push past the wall I've put up." How do you do that? I couldn't find a way. So instead I left the wall there. And I moved on, broken. Hurting.
This weekend, we started healing. And it will be baby steps. And I know that. But it's a direction, it's a goal, it's seeing the future and knowing you want to be there, even if the future looks like the past. I'm not sure if that makes sense. But it makes sense to me. They probably didn't even know it meant anything to me, but a couple of people came into 608 tonight actually with something to say to me, actually seemed excited to talk to me. And it was different, considering the last few months I've felt like I'm not enough for anybody. Like when they see me, they're talking to me out of courtesy, but they have walls too. And then these people tonight made a little crack in the wall we had put up and they sat next to us at 608. And I had to fight back just to keep from weeping. Healing.
This may be cheesy and stupid and dorky, but I'm putting it out there, possibly to be shot down. But I have wanted people who Lewis and I shut out, who we changed things for, to push down a wall that I put up, that they had nothing to do with. It wasn't their responsibility to push down that wall, but it was what I wanted anyway. And I've made mistakes, HUGE mistakes in my life, in my relationships. I lose my temper sometimes, I say the wrong thing, I push my way into business I don't belong in, I am not enough. But I know who I want to be and I would like the opportunity to become that person, despite my past and possibly the past I have had with some of you. I wasn't always the friend you needed and I'm truly sorry about it. And I would like some people beside me who meant so much in the past, who still mean so much now, even though things are different.
Maybe it's too much to ask. Maybe it's too late.
But if it's not, I have an idea. Maybe an idea that will help all of us find some peace in the middle of a world that is fighting day in and day out for us to have everything but peace.
If you're interested, email me. Click here for email.
We'll talk. Maybe mend something that wasn't ever meant to be broken in the first place.
And p.s. my idea mainly has to do with the girls.
I remember what was so great about our "family" and I think it can still be salvaged.
Also, I deleted my myspace. But I'm starting a new Ingenue Perspective myspace, just because. If I add you, that's why.
1 comment:
first off...I am crying alot right now, lol, but it's a good cry. During the same part of that same song tonight at church i felt that same feeling, and i held back some tears too. It's been a strange few monthes thats for sure. When i think about all the amazing times that you and I had, and that we both had with everyone, i get a feeling that im not sure i can describe, its like overwhelming happiness that i have had the opportunity to love and to be loved by such amazing people, but at the same time, i get so sad about it because i miss those moments so much. I miss us. I miss everyone hanging out and loving each other. I want it back, i want everything to be ok again. I think i kinda lost faith that things would ever be the same, but your right, these relationships can, and are starting to mend. Im sorry it took so long for things to get better. i think we all felt a little helpless, and broken, and shut out by different people. And i think that we let those feelings cause the gaps to grow and grow between us all. Im glad this weekend happened, and im so glad that tonight happened. It felt so good for us all to be sitting together again. There was no awkwardness (lol), it just felt right to me, like something that had been missing for so long was starting to come back. I don't wanna give up on changing the way things have been. I miss You, Lewis, Jon, Adam, Dallas, Max, etc. everyday. and i still love all of you as much as i used to. I want all of you to be a part of my life, and i want to be a part of yours.
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