chuck norris

these just really never get old and i was SO in the mood today.

• Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
• Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the f*** he wants.
• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
• Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
• Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.
• Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
• Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
• Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
• Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
• Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
• Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.
• Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
• M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
• ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.
• Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
• Vin Diesel can be re-arranged to say, "I end lives". Screw that; Chuck Norris can be re-arranged to say "Chuck Norris", Which means the same thing.
• When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.