We are hiring for Travis' position at work. Susan and I have been conducting interviews all day. Travis sent us an email to give us commentary on his thoughts of the interviewees so far. It is long, but WELL worth the read.
All names and recognizable features have been changed to protect the innocent...
Let me begin by recognizing what a fabulous job you have done already… you are two examples of why this country is great, we single handedly have the ability to meet and/or hear about someone and discern everything about them, their motives and how much we dislike them from that single meeting! Amazing! And what’s even better is America as a whole has never been wrong a single time about the perceptions of anything. Thus is why I feel so confident in my reviews of today’s applicants, because as an American citizen (these colors don’t run by the way) I am incapable of being wrong… ever.
This morning I intentionally dropped a nickel within plain sight in the front office area where each applicant would be entering the office… here is what I found.
No one even noticed. Which can mean a number of things…
1. They are selfless people who care nothing about personal wealth, which will be a plus because we can pay them low wages for grueling hours and if they complain we can reference their selflessness and then they will feel bad and take on more work and even less pay. We will then take the money we save and either give it to the needy or by plasma screens.
2. It could mean that they are going to sneak in here later and snag that nickel. This means they are backstabbing underhanded crooks, which can go two ways. This could be an obvious bad thing because they will steal office supplies and people’s lunch money. It could be a good thing because they could steal tenants from our competitors, so what we lose in office supplies and lunch money we more than gain in cold hard business!
3. This could mean that all the applicants were blind, in which case we have to hire them all or we will get sued.
4. This could mean they are not familiar with American currency which makes them one of the following:
A terrorist
Canadian
Lame
All of which are reasons not to hire them and ample excuses to plot to destroy them all before they destroy us.
Beyond my nickel experiment I have little to base my evaluations on except conversations I imagined having with each applicant as they waited in silence. I will now chronicle those conversations…
Interviewee #1- She was sooooo nervous OMG. She told me all about her weekend and we discussed what her power colors are… notice she did not wear blue… big mistake.
Interviewee #2- She told the greatest story about jet skiing I have ever heard, ask her about it.
Interviewee #3- She asked me to call her DJ… apparently she has a weird obsession with Full House.
Interviewee #4- She joined the peace corp straight out of college (Berkley) and now seeks to be an Admin? Yeah right, totally a spy.
Whelp that about wraps it up. I will let you know if I recall anything else. Here is to a productive search tomorrow!
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